Stil alive on the Mountain

Yes, we are still here on our mountain. The last year have been hard. A family conflict ripped up in a lot of old trauma. Trauma that I have been working very hard on not looking at – because I knew that if I did I would end up like a small curled up ball in bed – and I didn’t have time for that! But it exploded inside me and I had to – I couldn’t go on ignoring it, because it was eating me up. I have ADD like symptoms – some psychologists suggest that they are coping mechanisms. It was affecting my ability to be the mom I want to be, the wife I want to be – to live the life I want to live.

The thing is though that there is a life after the state of being curled up in bed. It has required that I work with myself, and at times it is hard work – and at times I am unsure if I am willing to do it, because it is too hard. But – living a life where doing the dishes often seems like an impossible task, is just not worth it…

I often think that this is part of Permaculture too – and an important one; that we need to heal ourselves to heal this planet. Hurt people hurt people, and over-spend and over-consume in and effort to escape the pain.

Gardening is pure therapy for me, especially composting… I had never thought that it would be even remotely interesting to me – but the smell and feel of compost between my hands just makes me happy. I have had a long period where I didn’t even to that – because even doing things that make me happy was too much. But recently I have returned to the soil – starting out by just sitting on the stairs from our terrace and just looking out on the landscape, observing, feeling the sun on my face. Then slowly walking around, investigating this that or the other – taking my time, doing the work that I feel like doing, and only that for as long as I want to do it. No shoulds, no have tos. I have made a small vegetable bed, I have carried wood to make a hügel, I have sifted through a few 100L of worm castings – this is the most therapeutic of all the tasks ( I would love those worms to be a little faster at processing their food, but I guess that I have to practise some acceptance in that direction).

It is not much sh*t that gets done this way – it has taken 6 months to not quite finish a run for our rabbit colony. But we are moving along, we are still here – and we will get there poco a poco. I have posts that I want to write now – about the worm farm, the rabbits, the moringa tree. I have sh*t I want to get done. I have sun that I need on my skin and a body that needs to be moved around. It will still be slow progress – but slow and steady etc.

P.S. I am not checking Facebook to see comments – my ADD can’t handle it, and all my inner agression come out on Facebook… it just isn’t pretty.


12 thoughts on “Stil alive on the Mountain

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  1. Hi!

    Sounds like you’ve got some stuff done. More than me, that’s for sure! 🙂 Let me know if you need anything.

    I’m attaching something I read a couple of nights ago. Coincidentally, I read it the same evening after reading your blog post. Gardening is healing work!



  2. Tusind tak for den update! Jeg tænker ofte på jer (selvom det er længe siden du var på slyngebarn) Er du meget ensom? Jeg kan mærke, at jeg også synker ned i tristhed, hvis jeg er for meget alene. Og det er ikke noget med ikke at ville “se gamle problemer i øjnene” etc, det er simpelthen mangelen på kontakt til andre, der gør det. Man har brug for de givende relationer, også til andre end familien, ellers går man ned.

    Jeg har også fået fat i moringa-frø! Men klimaet hvor du er er sikkert bedre for dem end her.

    Mange knus fra Dk.

    1. Det er bestemt muligt at jeg er for isoleret her oppe, men mine problemer det sidste aar har en dybere rod end some saa. Mit tastatur driller saa det er svaert at skrive paa dansk

  3. Greetings,
    Sad to hear, that your past came home to roost, as you must feel bad for not being able to be yourself, even if it is healthy to deal with the stuff buried, it isnt easy! Wish you all strenght and recovery, as it affects the whole family! One thing what was helping me to deal with my past and communicate my feelings is Non violent communication- framework, what I am still learning to include to all of my life. Maeby it could help also you in your quest. (

    If you want to speed the vermicomposting process, you could always first run it trough one or two weeks of bokashi composting process, then the worms get it done more speedily.

    1. Hi Pauli
      Thank you so much for your link! I have been learning a lot about NVC this past year or two and I am gaining a lot from it. I think mostly though that I have been too angry to make use of it myself – and the person on the other end wasn’t ready to put on giraf-ears and listen to my anger. I have moved through the anger though (and it has been healthy to connect with it instead of suppressing it), and I think I might be ready to talk giraf-language myself. I have an excelent therapist and he uses NVC, internal family systems therapy and the work of Nathaniel Brandon on sentence completion stems. It has helped me a lot.

      I’ve been so lucky as the aquire black soldier fly larva, and they process our food scraps in something like three days, and leave the carbon material for the worms. I’ll write a full blog post on it ASAP (hopefully this week if I have the time, otherwise I’ll certainly have time next week).

  4. Well done! It sounds as though you have been working really hard – it’s the most rewarding of all work (as you say hurt people, hurt people). Looking forward to hearing about the soldier flies! Where did you find them??? My favourite task is also sieving the worm compost – very therapeutic 🙂

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