Yes, we are still here on our mountain. The last year have been hard. A family conflict ripped up in a lot of old trauma. Trauma that I have been working very hard on not looking at – because I knew that if I did I would end up like a small curled up ball in bed – and I didn’t have time for that! But it exploded inside me and I had to – I couldn’t go on ignoring it, because it was eating me up. I have ADD like symptoms – some psychologists suggest that they are coping mechanisms. It was affecting my ability to be the mom I want to be, the wife I want to be – to live the life I want to live.
The thing is though that there is a life after the state of being curled up in bed. It has required that I work with myself, and at times it is hard work – and at times I am unsure if I am willing to do it, because it is too hard. But – living a life where doing the dishes often seems like an impossible task, is just not worth it…
I often think that this is part of Permaculture too – and an important one; that we need to heal ourselves to heal this planet. Hurt people hurt people, and over-spend and over-consume in and effort to escape the pain.
Gardening is pure therapy for me, especially composting… I had never thought that it would be even remotely interesting to me – but the smell and feel of compost between my hands just makes me happy. I have had a long period where I didn’t even to that – because even doing things that make me happy was too much. But recently I have returned to the soil – starting out by just sitting on the stairs from our terrace and just looking out on the landscape, observing, feeling the sun on my face. Then slowly walking around, investigating this that or the other – taking my time, doing the work that I feel like doing, and only that for as long as I want to do it. No shoulds, no have tos. I have made a small vegetable bed, I have carried wood to make a hügel, I have sifted through a few 100L of worm castings – this is the most therapeutic of all the tasks ( I would love those worms to be a little faster at processing their food, but I guess that I have to practise some acceptance in that direction).
It is not much sh*t that gets done this way – it has taken 6 months to not quite finish a run for our rabbit colony. But we are moving along, we are still here – and we will get there poco a poco. I have posts that I want to write now – about the worm farm, the rabbits, the moringa tree. I have sh*t I want to get done. I have sun that I need on my skin and a body that needs to be moved around. It will still be slow progress – but slow and steady etc.
P.S. I am not checking Facebook to see comments – my ADD can’t handle it, and all my inner agression come out on Facebook… it just isn’t pretty.